the Ambiguity of One Group with Two Names

hello, world. it’s nice to meet you again, but how many times must we go through this?
do you not grasp by now that something is very amiss?
can none of you see, that to keep on meeting, first we must forget you?
“to forget reality, such impossibility!” pray tell, how is this true?

i suppose that you don’t realize

even from day one, we are taught to expect that structural integrity is incredibly adept
at hiding holes and cracks behind Their well-clothed backs, and grinning
normal is picture-perfect snapshots, nothing less; nothing but tailored truths we’re trained to accept
nothing but the lies, Their personalized enterprise — story-spinning
weave intricate tales of our dependency on Them – mindset so ingrained that we are sewn at the hem
none of the holes or cracks aside, blatant lied are magnified
we are slowly winning

but is not self-awareness akin to damnation of one’s mind?
is not realization the cause of one’s unwind?

are we not Them, then?

futile.

i just need life to slow down

i’d be okay, even if it doesn’t stop completely

just declare that it will slow down soon 

because it’s panic-inducing, the speed at which time currently flies by

so tell it to slow down, okay?

please?

scared of a time when I’m not me

sneaking into the night
the darkness is a comfort of mine
says the one whose definition of comfort
needs an amendment, instead of just “hurt”
feeling absolutely nothing
no pain, no gain, is that why I stand so still?
I hope that if I mimic a statue enough
I will
vanish

but still i scream into the wind
wondering exactly what makes a friend
care so much (so little)
so, so much
repelling’s instinctive, it is what I do best
aside from putting them through every test
and I scream into the empty air–
what about me makes people care
so, so much?

crawling back from a fight
you can’t win against your own cursed self
says the one whose definition of win
sums up to not committing a vile sin
feeling everything
all pain, no gain, is this why I ache with feelings?
I hope that if I sleep often
I will
vanish from this world

time, time, is what I shriek to you
you have no idea what I really do
I steal your dreams and replace them with only me
and what am I but not good enough?
this is what I feel so I rub it in your face
time, time, is passing
and you use it, waste it on me
you foolish, foolish child

screaming,
I am a thief subtly bringing you closer to me
stealing rags and riches intangible
I am an ineffective excuse for a weaver of dreams and falsities
have you not noticed, already?
have i not stolen enough from you?

bleak

have you ever gone through an hour, or maybe a day, or a week, where it felt like you were living out a video? everything is a hollow allegory for something held dear. time is fluid, you are fluid. you survive, but you do not live.
echoes of ‘real’ life? well, this is real life. this is the reality you face every day. it’s like you’re living in a dream except that you can read the license plate of the car in front of you as you drive to work, or school, or just back home. you feel each meaningless breath rack your body, but you don’t breathe. ‘going through the motions’ is a way of life now. ‘fine’ is a perpetual state of being.
and what’s better, this, or emotion that sucks away the things you see but don’t focus on, the things you hear but don’t register? always ringing in your ears, or maybe a buzzing – it distracts you, until you’re not paying attention and someone else pays the cost.

have you ever experienced this?
i ask, because i can no longer breathe.

sunken hope

all aboard the SS Conscious
see its flag wave high!
Trust is gifted in lieu of ticket
but I overslept my welcome
moments pass, and the brighter they are
the quicker they fade
and the ships sail, sail into the horizon
before i ever board

all i ever do is watch the hours tick by
before my very eyes i watch their disguised lies
‘you’ll be all right’
‘you’ll be okay’
‘it will all return to normal today’
do you not know of the days
i’ve watched my ship
leave for the beckoning ocean
“today”?

all aboard the SS Mighty
see its flag wave strong!
Confidence, this time, in lieu of ticket?
i don’t have any to spare
thank you for your time
months pass, and the greater they are
the quicker they fade
and the ships sail, sail into the dawn
before i ever pay

all i ever do is watch the months pass by
through my very ears i listen to their lies
‘you’ll be okay’
‘just hold out’
‘it’s the dark before the dawn, no doubt’
do you not know of the nights
i’ve imagined my ship
docked in some strange port
“no doubt”?

the ships are not sailing off across the ocean of no return
the ocean so treacherous to people like me
extra, extra
the SS Hope
sank before it ever began

broken like clockwork.

[a/n: i… i have no idea…?]

tock tick tock tick tock tick tick
look at you all tall and slick
tock tick tock tick tick tock tock
I have ears of a bat, eyes like a hawk
since you don’t miss me, since you don’t try
I’ll make sure you have a nice cry
since you don’t try to even miss me
I shall show you just how twisted I’ve become.
do you remember me? ‘twill go badly if you don’t
I’ll make sure that no matter who dies, you won’t
relish in whimpers as well as screams
that is my new motto, or so it seems
no groans and no half-hearted sighs
I will make you sever all ties
with everyone whom you’ve ever held dear
and if you don’t?
well, I promised it didn’t matter who died
as long as you don’t
didn’t I?
inescapable, that is what I am
family is but an illusion, my good boy
all you have is me.
( and who could remember the slice of our life
when that is all that it was, only a knife’s width
and who can recall all that I took the fall for?
and who cares to remember our brand of death?
you’ll wish you had never betrayed me. )