thanatophobia (sort of)

Shaken up, yeah that’s pretty apt
I’m failing at attempting to adapt
Mindsets are hard, but you know what’s harder?
Having reactions to your death completely mapped
Am I lying, or do you finally see
that my thought processes will be the death of me?
please believe me, I don’t mean to be a pessimist
but isn’t preparation the whole key to the this?
This is me trying feebly to be prepared
To be the one unhurt, not the one who cared
Instinct is always hard to fight
But I can’t allow myself to be the one who dared
To love, to live
To only ever give
To expose myself wholeheartedly
To vulnerability
To ever ever be the one
Who left no good deed undone
Because I am so incredibly afraid
of being the one who waited
instead of giving their all.

Shaken up? Yeah, that’s pretty spot on,
but isn’t it better than mourning the long-gone?

Advertisements

(mianhae)

by the way
a brief respite would be nice
a rest from the self-redeeming eyes
in the mirror
could it be any clearer?
it’s not what you expected to see
you expected the me that i pretended to be
by the way
a brief respite coincides
with alone-but-not-lonely and
reassurance
(is that so hard?)
and by the way
a lack of this is what i miss
so dearly

aching, aching, in my gut
i doubt you remember what
my issues are
i hope you remember
nothing about me
breaking, breaking, in my soul
what’s in there’s beyond my control
it’s cracking! can you hear it?
it’s lacking! can you tell?

what’s it lack? i wish that i
could give no answer and pass by
curse you for being persistent!
(at least, you used to be.)
what happened? i wish i knew
reasons many and fixes few
i’m cracking! can you see me?
i’m lacking!

(like you care.)

in tandem

where was the contest? there was just shame
in losing already, before the game
we were two different pages, torn apart
we lost it all before the start
please believe me, i was just fine
but i could see clearly that you straddled borderline
between the safe and the undefined

and still i wonder
what happened to us?
still i dream of
a life that is enough
the fragile ‘why’s of bitter souls
knock us down over and again
do you recall when we took life
into our own two broken hands?
and still they ache for times long missed

spiral is the perfect word
for things you did that went unheard
we were two different people, broken-but-not-bent
mourning a life wasted before spent
please believe me when i say that i’m okay
(i just couldn’t save you)

and still i wonder
what happened to us?
still i dream of
being as tough as you
the fragile whys of bitter souls
pick us up over and again
do you recall when we took death
into our own two barren hands?
and still they ache for times long missed
oh, if we’d only known
how fragile we are
would we have changed anything?

bleak

have you ever gone through an hour, or maybe a day, or a week, where it felt like you were living out a video? everything is a hollow allegory for something held dear. time is fluid, you are fluid. you survive, but you do not live.
echoes of ‘real’ life? well, this is real life. this is the reality you face every day. it’s like you’re living in a dream except that you can read the license plate of the car in front of you as you drive to work, or school, or just back home. you feel each meaningless breath rack your body, but you don’t breathe. ‘going through the motions’ is a way of life now. ‘fine’ is a perpetual state of being.
and what’s better, this, or emotion that sucks away the things you see but don’t focus on, the things you hear but don’t register? always ringing in your ears, or maybe a buzzing – it distracts you, until you’re not paying attention and someone else pays the cost.

have you ever experienced this?
i ask, because i can no longer breathe.

sunken hope

all aboard the SS Conscious
see its flag wave high!
Trust is gifted in lieu of ticket
but I overslept my welcome
moments pass, and the brighter they are
the quicker they fade
and the ships sail, sail into the horizon
before i ever board

all i ever do is watch the hours tick by
before my very eyes i watch their disguised lies
‘you’ll be all right’
‘you’ll be okay’
‘it will all return to normal today’
do you not know of the days
i’ve watched my ship
leave for the beckoning ocean
“today”?

all aboard the SS Mighty
see its flag wave strong!
Confidence, this time, in lieu of ticket?
i don’t have any to spare
thank you for your time
months pass, and the greater they are
the quicker they fade
and the ships sail, sail into the dawn
before i ever pay

all i ever do is watch the months pass by
through my very ears i listen to their lies
‘you’ll be okay’
‘just hold out’
‘it’s the dark before the dawn, no doubt’
do you not know of the nights
i’ve imagined my ship
docked in some strange port
“no doubt”?

the ships are not sailing off across the ocean of no return
the ocean so treacherous to people like me
extra, extra
the SS Hope
sank before it ever began

too blunt for a real title.

They’re trying so hard but they won’t succeed
None of the good can make up for bad deeds
They’re trying so hard or at least one of them is
But no one knows how to gain back what they miss
No one knows anything
We’re getting so close, so close to the brink
And I’m getting closer to realization, I think
Realization of exactly how much you both
Influence my opinions and thoughts about you
No one knows anything
Why are you here?
Why do you care?
Why are you two such a dysfunctional pair?
Why are you still here?
You don’t know anything.
What about us would be so hard to miss,
Or is it just the concept of leaving
That bends you and twists you and leaves you believing
That none of us want you?
Maybe sometimes we don’t
Maybe sometimes we do
None of us know anything
She’s trying so hard for you
So make up your mind

on fireworks and how they’re viewed

There is something beautifully metaphorical about fireworks.
I was fortunate enough to be able to watch the local Fourth of July fireworks with some friends, but most of my family couldn’t, so I decided to take a video of them for my sibling. There was one thing I noticed specifically in the process – the light show always, always looked better when watched with the naked eye, versus through the camera I filmed it with. It was more colorful, louder, and besides, you can’t very well feel fireworks shaking your very soul through a phone, can you? [at least, not yet?]
And that fact, that small fact, got me thinking. Of course.
Different versions of the same thought ran through my head Saturday night – /You can’t live solely behind the camera. Life isn’t lived to the fullest if you stay behind the scenes./
/You will never make a difference if you’re afraid of change./
Is that a newsflash, even a little bit? That we can’t change the world if we’re afraid to change ourselves: this is something that should be obvious by now. Small amounts of doubt is healthy.
Fear cripples and rots you, until there’s nothing left of you but an eroded shell. It leaves you hollowed out and choking on your own breath.
A firework may last only a moment, but the way it imprints the sky with its aftersmoke and leaves you gasping for more is something to remember.
Live a little. Make an imprint on someone’s day, without the crippling fear that they won’t like you or accept you. Be the genuine firework, not a recorded replica.

[yes, I did just vaguely tie all of that into each other. somehow. that was fun.]