sunken hope

all aboard the SS Conscious
see its flag wave high!
Trust is gifted in lieu of ticket
but I overslept my welcome
moments pass, and the brighter they are
the quicker they fade
and the ships sail, sail into the horizon
before i ever board

all i ever do is watch the hours tick by
before my very eyes i watch their disguised lies
‘you’ll be all right’
‘you’ll be okay’
‘it will all return to normal today’
do you not know of the days
i’ve watched my ship
leave for the beckoning ocean
“today”?

all aboard the SS Mighty
see its flag wave strong!
Confidence, this time, in lieu of ticket?
i don’t have any to spare
thank you for your time
months pass, and the greater they are
the quicker they fade
and the ships sail, sail into the dawn
before i ever pay

all i ever do is watch the months pass by
through my very ears i listen to their lies
‘you’ll be okay’
‘just hold out’
‘it’s the dark before the dawn, no doubt’
do you not know of the nights
i’ve imagined my ship
docked in some strange port
“no doubt”?

the ships are not sailing off across the ocean of no return
the ocean so treacherous to people like me
extra, extra
the SS Hope
sank before it ever began

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the Midnight Captain

[Yes, I am aware that this makes no sense at all, but it was incredibly fun and whimsical to write, so what does that weird concept called ‘sense’ matter. XD]

the worst waves are the ones
that sweep us off of our feet
could you ever tell from that
that relief would taste so sweet?

starry night, starry night,
sky so deep and blue
why can I never picture
a night spent without you?

i miss you

our midnight captain
has never looked as wary
as when he believed that
just to see him i would tarry

but the scream of our echo
the scream of starry night
left us here, nice and bare
and in quite a fright

the worst waves are the ones
that sweep us off of our feet
to hoist us up among the stars
ne’er a grander feat

on waking with new eyes.

Some nights I want to drown out life. I want to get lost in music, never to emerge. I want to unhear my mind, tuning out everything bit by bit until there’s nothing left but the beat of sounds that feel utterly and completely like home. I want to be able to think about nothing, and let the nothing consume me, let it take over every part of my head until I’m nothing but a shell full of beautiful noise. I want to be nothing and revel in the nothingness, because all too often I am doing too much to ever be bored, and it is exhausting, being busy every single moment of every waking hour.
And when I wake up, because I will be sure to awake before I am missed for too long, I will have a clear head and be able to be happy for those who have someone else to look to, and I will see my life through fresh eyes, and be grateful for what I have and what I don’t.
I want to drown in clear air instead of suffocating in the cluttered atmosphere that is our lives every single day.
Is that too much to ask?

lucky

don’t you worry now
don’t you worry
i’ll be fine
just not okay yet
don’t you stop caring now
don’t you stop caring
i am fine
just not willing to forget
don’t you worry
i can breathe
this misery
has not bested me
don’t you worry
the catapult
has lifted me higher
than i was at the start
don’t you worry
i am lucky enough
to have made your acquaintance
with you to have danced
don’t you worry
i’ll be fine
just piecing this
aching heart of mine
back together

here and now

today
i make through by my own way
i can’t exactly go and say
that i’m fine and not okay
but tonight
it gets harder to fight
something crucial isn’t right
we’re fine and not okay
and nothing in the world can stop the bleeding
when this time it’s I you stop needing
your words I stop heeding
because it doesn’t make a difference anymore
and nothing in the world will heal
the pain we gained from this ordeal
feeling too much like the third wheel
you promised me, you said it’d last
but now we realize that was the past
and there’s a reason they call this here and now
nothing seems to matter, live in the moment
don’t know how we got this way now
twenty four seven I was there for you
had your back just like friends do
but you weren’t the one
that needed saving

in my head

Oh, and I cannot imagine your face anymore
the price of holding out till you’re sore
and please believe me, I did not grow tired of you
but I fear the opposite might be true
(I’ll never let myself believe otherwise
I’ll never let myself fall for the lies
again)
And I cannot recall your voice
or how it sounds when you discuss him
the other is just a child
I am just a child
but no one thinks so
And I cannot recall who I was
or who I am simply because
in my head everything is a foe
THE INK STILL RESIDES HERE AND SO DO I
A REMNANT OF THIS FEARED WEB OF LIES
AND TRUTHS
YOU STILL RESIDE HERE AND SO DOES HE
IN THIS WHOLE CATASTROPHE
THAT’S NONEXISTENT
this mess of me this ignominy
make it stop
before it’s real

you.

i wish you didn’t say ‘i love you’
when i’m in a state that cannot believe you
and sometimes i wish that you could see
what’s eating at inside of me
(but sometimes i’m grateful you can’t.)

you told me not once, not twice, not thrice,
you told me umpteen million times
but right now i can’t believe you.

you proved yourself over and again
saying, ‘remember that? remember when?’
but right now i can’t believe you.

you made yourself clear at all the right times
stressing love that never dies
but right now i can’t believe you.

you helped me up when i fell down
and knocked my head against the cold hard ground
but right now i can’t believe you.

you loved me not once, not twice, not thrice,
you told me umpteen million times
and still i wouldn’t let myself believe you.