my favorite constellation of them all

it’s the song i can’t stop singing
it’s the tune always unfailing
it’s the bittersweet goodbyes
of things not yet given up
it’s the happy parts of slowly-fading scars
the parts of not-yet-laden hearts
that have against all odds – not yet given up

it’s the stars that brightly shine
contrasted beauty so divine
they are never quite as pretty
without the sky to back them up
its the saddening parts of slowly healing hearts
talk of bitter, the scars scabbed over

(into a marred constellation
traced against the night’s backdrop)

it’s the depth of your eyes and smile
too honest to think of guile
no one even comes close
to the way you are a sun(flower)
it’s the maddening love
an occupational hazard—

if i am the stars
then, oh, you are my night sky, darling
part of the art, part of my heart
and not only just a backdrop

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a hoarse voice is better than none

throat hoarse, bittersweet revival
taste of gravity sours
as i am pulled back to reality
(it’s only been two hours?)
maybe i’m not doing enough to take away this pain
like my reality is that it’s impossible to gain
without losing something

(and hoarse voices can tumble towers
just from implications)

there’s nothing left for me in this place
only thing left is to disappear without a trace
nothing’s empty here – that part’s crystal clear
maybe my mask is worth more than my own face

constrict – tighter, tighter
till you won’t ever say
what you needed to before they got away
maybe i’m too tangled up to currently think straight
like my reality is that it is too late
to ever salvage myself

(and constriction can unwind
just from words)

there’s nothing for me in any of you
nothing shiny or even less likely – brand-new
nothing’s empty here – that part’s crystal clear
but no person is ever full, either

push and push and push away
why won’t they let sleeping dogs lay?
why can’t they just leave alone?
why don’t they permanently postpone
you?

they miss you
they miss you
they miss you

(please come home)

in tandem

where was the contest? there was just shame
in losing already, before the game
we were two different pages, torn apart
we lost it all before the start
please believe me, i was just fine
but i could see clearly that you straddled borderline
between the safe and the undefined

and still i wonder
what happened to us?
still i dream of
a life that is enough
the fragile ‘why’s of bitter souls
knock us down over and again
do you recall when we took life
into our own two broken hands?
and still they ache for times long missed

spiral is the perfect word
for things you did that went unheard
we were two different people, broken-but-not-bent
mourning a life wasted before spent
please believe me when i say that i’m okay
(i just couldn’t save you)

and still i wonder
what happened to us?
still i dream of
being as tough as you
the fragile whys of bitter souls
pick us up over and again
do you recall when we took death
into our own two barren hands?
and still they ache for times long missed
oh, if we’d only known
how fragile we are
would we have changed anything?

relationships are hard, guys

hello
we haven’t talked in quite some time
how are you, ex friend of mine?
have you
accomplished everything you wanted?
are you free now or are you still haunted
by your own personal brand of ghosts?

hello
you don’t remember True Me, I bet
do you even remember the first time we met?
have you
conquered your demons yet?
does it ever really matter?

is there a normal ever established
between two people? or more.
i wish i knew, i wish i cared
about the fact that you didn’t even dare
to get close enough to find out
to consider me enough to find out.

scared of a time when I’m not me

sneaking into the night
the darkness is a comfort of mine
says the one whose definition of comfort
needs an amendment, instead of just “hurt”
feeling absolutely nothing
no pain, no gain, is that why I stand so still?
I hope that if I mimic a statue enough
I will
vanish

but still i scream into the wind
wondering exactly what makes a friend
care so much (so little)
so, so much
repelling’s instinctive, it is what I do best
aside from putting them through every test
and I scream into the empty air–
what about me makes people care
so, so much?

crawling back from a fight
you can’t win against your own cursed self
says the one whose definition of win
sums up to not committing a vile sin
feeling everything
all pain, no gain, is this why I ache with feelings?
I hope that if I sleep often
I will
vanish from this world

time, time, is what I shriek to you
you have no idea what I really do
I steal your dreams and replace them with only me
and what am I but not good enough?
this is what I feel so I rub it in your face
time, time, is passing
and you use it, waste it on me
you foolish, foolish child

screaming,
I am a thief subtly bringing you closer to me
stealing rags and riches intangible
I am an ineffective excuse for a weaver of dreams and falsities
have you not noticed, already?
have i not stolen enough from you?

sunken hope

all aboard the SS Conscious
see its flag wave high!
Trust is gifted in lieu of ticket
but I overslept my welcome
moments pass, and the brighter they are
the quicker they fade
and the ships sail, sail into the horizon
before i ever board

all i ever do is watch the hours tick by
before my very eyes i watch their disguised lies
‘you’ll be all right’
‘you’ll be okay’
‘it will all return to normal today’
do you not know of the days
i’ve watched my ship
leave for the beckoning ocean
“today”?

all aboard the SS Mighty
see its flag wave strong!
Confidence, this time, in lieu of ticket?
i don’t have any to spare
thank you for your time
months pass, and the greater they are
the quicker they fade
and the ships sail, sail into the dawn
before i ever pay

all i ever do is watch the months pass by
through my very ears i listen to their lies
‘you’ll be okay’
‘just hold out’
‘it’s the dark before the dawn, no doubt’
do you not know of the nights
i’ve imagined my ship
docked in some strange port
“no doubt”?

the ships are not sailing off across the ocean of no return
the ocean so treacherous to people like me
extra, extra
the SS Hope
sank before it ever began

the drenched anomaly

and time after time i walk the line of no return
and time after time i wonder what it’s like to watch the whole world burn
and rhyme after rhyme you’re by my side
and i can never comprehend how you’ve not learned
that much too often, people like me lie

i can only complain that you are not here with me
when did you come to mean so much?
i can only wonder at you and how you care so naively
when did you become such a crutch of mine?
and how do i know? how do i know
that you care so out of proportion
how do i know? how do i know?
well, you were always honest

and thought after thought i wonder how it will end
and thought after thought i wish i didn’t need friends
and rhyme after rhyme you save me from drowning
and i cannot comprehend the love with which
you defend the people like me, the people like me

i can only mutter under my breath in your absense
did you think that i wouldn’t notice? (notice?)
did you
think
that i would not
care?

i am DRENCHED in SPEED
DROWNING IN THE MOMENTUM
can YOU hear ME? can YOU hear ME?
i am DROWNING IN THE MOMENTUM
or are you deaf like i am
you are not alone

i can only SCREAM when you put up with me more than i deserve
i can only SCREAM when there is nothing left to burn
i can only SCREAM
i
CAN ONLY SCREAM