futile.

i just need life to slow down
i’d be okay, even if it doesn’t stop completely
just declare that it will slow down soon 
because it’s panic-inducing, the speed at which time currently flies by
so tell it to slow down, okay?
please?
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thanatophobia (sort of)

Shaken up, yeah that’s pretty apt
I’m failing at attempting to adapt
Mindsets are hard, but you know what’s harder?
Having reactions to your death completely mapped
Am I lying, or do you finally see
that my thought processes will be the death of me?
please believe me, I don’t mean to be a pessimist
but isn’t preparation the whole key to the this?
This is me trying feebly to be prepared
To be the one unhurt, not the one who cared
Instinct is always hard to fight
But I can’t allow myself to be the one who dared
To love, to live
To only ever give
To expose myself wholeheartedly
To vulnerability
To ever ever be the one
Who left no good deed undone
Because I am so incredibly afraid
of being the one who waited
instead of giving their all.

Shaken up? Yeah, that’s pretty spot on,
but isn’t it better than mourning the long-gone?

scared of a time when I’m not me

sneaking into the night
the darkness is a comfort of mine
says the one whose definition of comfort
needs an amendment, instead of just “hurt”
feeling absolutely nothing
no pain, no gain, is that why I stand so still?
I hope that if I mimic a statue enough
I will
vanish

but still i scream into the wind
wondering exactly what makes a friend
care so much (so little)
so, so much
repelling’s instinctive, it is what I do best
aside from putting them through every test
and I scream into the empty air–
what about me makes people care
so, so much?

crawling back from a fight
you can’t win against your own cursed self
says the one whose definition of win
sums up to not committing a vile sin
feeling everything
all pain, no gain, is this why I ache with feelings?
I hope that if I sleep often
I will
vanish from this world

time, time, is what I shriek to you
you have no idea what I really do
I steal your dreams and replace them with only me
and what am I but not good enough?
this is what I feel so I rub it in your face
time, time, is passing
and you use it, waste it on me
you foolish, foolish child

screaming,
I am a thief subtly bringing you closer to me
stealing rags and riches intangible
I am an ineffective excuse for a weaver of dreams and falsities
have you not noticed, already?
have i not stolen enough from you?

on traditions and change.

so hello, somewhat-abandoned blog. I promise I did not forget about you. much.

it’s almost 2015. the time of New Year’s resolutions and fireworks and parties until sometime after midnight. you all know that time [though some might be more used to being the observer that shakes their fist at those young whippersnappers, setting off those miniature firecrackers when people are trying to fall asleep, such as I. yes, I am younger than most of them are. that’s irrelevant.]

let me tell you a thing though.

New Year’s terrifies me.

it’s frightening to think that after today, this is just another year in history, one that we can never get back. yeah, the optimists are looking forward to the new year. great for them. newsflash? I am not an optimist. I’m afraid of forgetting? yeah, you bet. and that’s just another layer to the anxiety-inducing thing called a Brand-New Start, the Clean Slate. the things we vowed never to forget are already in the process of being overwritten. I can’t remember my reaction to New Year’s, say, two years ago. I hate that. It would probably make sense to mention here that I strongly dislike change.

That being said, it’s interesting to think about all the new things and changes and advances in our culture that will be associated with 2015. 1969 – astronauts and moon landings, right? what will 2015 hold in store for us?

yeah, that’s about as far as my optimism stretches.

do you guys have any particular traditions? looking back, evidently I don’t generally do “interactive”, but hey, why not? no reason that i didn’t before, no reason i can’t start now, right?

Hickory.

anxious, shmanxious
you got this, they say
they don’t realize how my insides decay
from the moment i woke up there was no rest
for the weary

anxious, shmanxious, of course i won’t diss
you
for something more interesting
guess someone’s not listening
leave me alone
because i can’t take this

i can’t even breathe right
it hurts too much to try
wound up awfully tight
trying not to cry
can’t ever see the light
oh, i know you, hi
stay or go, flee or fight
and so here i lie
can’t eat, can’t drink, though thank you very much
vee and dee, there they be, a barely sufficient crutch
take a breath, this isn’t death, they remind me
oh look, now she’s with me
anxious, shmanxious, describes us both perfectly
we’ll do fine, we’ll do okay we chant
while things we do and things we say are impossible to recant
they’re watching us, i can’t breath again
please help this asphyxiation
that is me

here and now

today
i make through by my own way
i can’t exactly go and say
that i’m fine and not okay
but tonight
it gets harder to fight
something crucial isn’t right
we’re fine and not okay
and nothing in the world can stop the bleeding
when this time it’s I you stop needing
your words I stop heeding
because it doesn’t make a difference anymore
and nothing in the world will heal
the pain we gained from this ordeal
feeling too much like the third wheel
you promised me, you said it’d last
but now we realize that was the past
and there’s a reason they call this here and now
nothing seems to matter, live in the moment
don’t know how we got this way now
twenty four seven I was there for you
had your back just like friends do
but you weren’t the one
that needed saving